Humour
Best Christmas decoration ever!
2009.12.10 08:14 PM
Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.Great stories. But two things made me take it down.
First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.
Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.
The Flu
2009.11.28 08:50 PM
THE FLU
Here's my concern:
3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow
. . . Mad Cow disease.
2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird
. . . Avian flu.
This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig
. . . Swine flu.
Next year is the year of the cock. Anybody else worried?
Here's my concern:
3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow
. . . Mad Cow disease.
2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird
. . . Avian flu.
This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig
. . . Swine flu.
Next year is the year of the cock. Anybody else worried?
Dog-O-Lanterns
2009.11.15 01:05 PM
This is a couple of weeks late, but here you go anyway. Dog-o-lanterns! 
Murphy's other laws
2009.10.17 08:47 AM
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Aircraft maintenance complaints
2009.10.04 06:54 PM
I share with you an oldie but a goodie.
--
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
P: Left, inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and to be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
--
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
P: Left, inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and to be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
The Most Interesting Man In The World, post 2
2009.08.30 01:55 PM
I don’t always watch commercials, but when I do I prefer Dos Equis.
Keep laughing my friends.
He's been known to cure narcolepsy just by walking into a room.
His organ donor card also lists his beard.
He’s a lover, not a fighter, but he's also a fighter so don't get any ideas.
He is... the most interesting man in the world.
"I don't always drink beer, but when I do I prefer Dos Equis.
Stay thirsty my friends."
Keep laughing my friends.
He's been known to cure narcolepsy just by walking into a room.
His organ donor card also lists his beard.
He’s a lover, not a fighter, but he's also a fighter so don't get any ideas.
He is... the most interesting man in the world.
"I don't always drink beer, but when I do I prefer Dos Equis.
Stay thirsty my friends."
Questionable Employees
2009.08.18 09:54 PM
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 300 employees and has the following statistics?
30 have been accused of spousal abuse.
9 have been arrested for fraud.
14 have been accused of writing bad cheques.
95 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses.
4 have done time for assault.
55 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit.
12 have been arrested on drug related charges.
4 have been arrested for shoplifting.
16 are currently defendants in lawsuits.
62 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year!
Can you guess which organization this is?
It is the 301 MP's in the Canadian Parliament! The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line!
Which one did you vote for?
30 have been accused of spousal abuse.
9 have been arrested for fraud.
14 have been accused of writing bad cheques.
95 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses.
4 have done time for assault.
55 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit.
12 have been arrested on drug related charges.
4 have been arrested for shoplifting.
16 are currently defendants in lawsuits.
62 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year!
Can you guess which organization this is?
It is the 301 MP's in the Canadian Parliament! The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line!
Which one did you vote for?
The Most Interesting Man In The World, post 1
2009.07.26 09:38 PM
I’m sure you’ve seen the Dos Equis beer commercials on TV by now. They are fantastic! In fact, I like them so much that I want to try Dos Equis beer even though I hate beer.
Have you ever heard any of the Chuck Norris facts before? For example,
These commercials follow the same idea minus the violence. This one is my personal favourite, but I will post others that I also enjoy over the next while for your enjoyment. The transcript is below.
His reputation is expanding faster than the universe.
He once had an awkward moment just to see how it feels.
He lives vicariously through himself.
He is... the most interesting man in the world.
"I don't always drink beer, but when I do I prefer Dos Equis.
Stay thirsty my friends.”
Have you ever heard any of the Chuck Norris facts before? For example,
- When the boogeyman goes to sleep he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard; there is only another fist.
- When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
These commercials follow the same idea minus the violence. This one is my personal favourite, but I will post others that I also enjoy over the next while for your enjoyment. The transcript is below.
His reputation is expanding faster than the universe.
He once had an awkward moment just to see how it feels.
He lives vicariously through himself.
He is... the most interesting man in the world.
"I don't always drink beer, but when I do I prefer Dos Equis.
Stay thirsty my friends.”
Canadian, eh?
2009.06.29 09:00 PM
CANADIAN.... Eh !
So, What Do We Canadians Have To Be Proud Of ?
1. Smarties
2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp
3. The size of our footballs fields, one less down, and bigger balls.
4. Baseball is Canadian - First game June 4, 1838 - Ingersoll , ON
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers
10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts
11. In the war of 1812, started by America , Canadians pushed the Americans back past their White House. Then we burned it, and most of Washington .. We got bored because they ran away. Then, we came home and partied........ Go figure.
12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER. (We got clobbered in the odd battle but prevailed in ALL the wars)
14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and lasted a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, he slept in and missed the whole thing. He showed up just in time to get caught.
16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.
17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the world's oldest company.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
(That's more information than I need!)
19. We know what to do with the parts of a buffalo.
20. We don't marry our kin-folk (except maybe for Riders fans ).
21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis and the telephone. Also short wave radios that save countless lives each year.
22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
23. A Canadian invented Superman.
24. We have coloured money.
25. Our beer advertisements kick ass {Incidently...so does our beer}
BUT MOST IMPORTANT !
The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.
OOOoohhhhh.... Canada !!
Oh yeah... And our elections only take one day.
What a way to find out!
2009.04.20 09:28 PM
Here is an excerpt from a news article. I’m not sure if it is true, but it’s an amusing read!
Paid to do it, but fails to make his friend’s wife pregnant after 72 attempts
In Stuttgart, Germany, a court judge must decide on a case of honourable intentions in a situation where a man hired his neighbour to get his wife pregnant. It seems that Demetrius Soupolos, 29, and his former beauty queen wife, Traute, wanted a child badly, but Demetrius was told by a doctor that he was sterile.
So Soupolos, after calming his wife’s protests, hired his neighbour, Frank Maus, 34, to impregnate her. Since Maus was already married and the father of two children, plus looked very much like Soupolos to boot, the plan seemed good.
Soupolos paid Maus $2500 for the job and for three evenings a week for the next six months, Maus tried desperately, a total of 72 different times, to impregnate Traute. When his own wife objected, he explained, “I don’t like this any more than you. I’m simply doing it for the money. Try and understand.”
When Traute failed to get pregnant after six months, however, Soupolos was not understanding and insisted that Maus have a medical examination, which he did. The doctor’s announcement that Maus was also sterile shocked everyone except his wife, who was forced to confess that Maus was not the real father of their two children.
Now Soupolos is suing Maus for breach of contract in an effort to get his money back, but Maus refuses to give it up because he said he did not guarantee conception, but only that he would give an honest effort.
Paid to do it, but fails to make his friend’s wife pregnant after 72 attempts
In Stuttgart, Germany, a court judge must decide on a case of honourable intentions in a situation where a man hired his neighbour to get his wife pregnant. It seems that Demetrius Soupolos, 29, and his former beauty queen wife, Traute, wanted a child badly, but Demetrius was told by a doctor that he was sterile.
So Soupolos, after calming his wife’s protests, hired his neighbour, Frank Maus, 34, to impregnate her. Since Maus was already married and the father of two children, plus looked very much like Soupolos to boot, the plan seemed good.
Soupolos paid Maus $2500 for the job and for three evenings a week for the next six months, Maus tried desperately, a total of 72 different times, to impregnate Traute. When his own wife objected, he explained, “I don’t like this any more than you. I’m simply doing it for the money. Try and understand.”
When Traute failed to get pregnant after six months, however, Soupolos was not understanding and insisted that Maus have a medical examination, which he did. The doctor’s announcement that Maus was also sterile shocked everyone except his wife, who was forced to confess that Maus was not the real father of their two children.
Now Soupolos is suing Maus for breach of contract in an effort to get his money back, but Maus refuses to give it up because he said he did not guarantee conception, but only that he would give an honest effort.
The Box Office
2009.04.07 08:01 PM
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan.'
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?'
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
'It's The Box Office.'
...and good-bye Daddy
2009.03.10 06:49 PM
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story & listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma & good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed & listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy & good-bye Grandma" The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard Her say: "God bless Mommy & good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night & got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch & watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch & jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief & went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning, Ben, my golf pro of four years dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed & listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy & good-bye Grandma" The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard Her say: "God bless Mommy & good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night & got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch & watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch & jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief & went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning, Ben, my golf pro of four years dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
Kids say (write) the darndest things
2009.01.25 09:07 AM
A class of third grade students was given a random sticker and told to write a story about the picture on that sticker. This is one of those stories...
From the stupid criminal files
2009.01.21 09:03 PM
I couldn't help but laugh at this. I saw it in The Winnipeg Free Press, but it was from The Canadian Press so I imagine it's everywhere. I’m not sure if it’s a stupid criminal so much as a really unlucky one, but either way it’s good for a laugh! Read More...
Manitoba is way ahead of the game
2009.01.13 07:21 PM
Being a wireless guy for the Manitoba telco, I have to share this!
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Ontario scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Ontarian workers, in the weeks that followed, Alberta scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the Calgary Post newspaper read: "Albertan archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Ontarians."
One week later, the "The Russell Banner" a local newspaper in Manitoba reported the following:
After digging as deep as 30 meters in canola fields near Russell, MB., a self-taught archaeologist reported that he found absolutely nothing. He has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Manitoba had already gone wireless."
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Ontario scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Ontarian workers, in the weeks that followed, Alberta scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the Calgary Post newspaper read: "Albertan archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Ontarians."
One week later, the "The Russell Banner" a local newspaper in Manitoba reported the following:
After digging as deep as 30 meters in canola fields near Russell, MB., a self-taught archaeologist reported that he found absolutely nothing. He has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Manitoba had already gone wireless."
What every Ukrainian kid wants for Christmas!!!
2008.12.18 08:11 PM
To all my fellow Ukrainians out there, I present the ultimate gift this Christmas:
Accordion Hero
Nothing has ever kicked more ass.
Accordion Hero
Nothing has ever kicked more ass.
All puns intended!
2008.12.13 10:39 AM
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. Read More...
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. Read More...
Pain of a married man
2008.12.11 08:33 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do." she replies.
The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"
"Yes, I remember." said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too." she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!"
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do." she replies.
The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"
"Yes, I remember." said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too." she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!"
Captain James T. Kirk
2008.11.05 10:10 PM
Hahaha! This is so funny!
Let me say that I do like Star Trek, including William Shatner and Captain Kirk. That said, this picture is too funny to pass up. It looks like it's based on those inspirational posters you see here and there with a scenic photograph and inspirational quote beneath it. Except this is less than inspirational.
My apologies go out to my brother - I'm sorry Sean!!!
Let me say that I do like Star Trek, including William Shatner and Captain Kirk. That said, this picture is too funny to pass up. It looks like it's based on those inspirational posters you see here and there with a scenic photograph and inspirational quote beneath it. Except this is less than inspirational.
My apologies go out to my brother - I'm sorry Sean!!!
Captain James T. Kirk
I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.